((Truthful Tuesday))

A little late in the day but here at last!

The truth I'm sharing today is how much I worry for my children. It consumes me. In particular, this plays out quite a bit in my decision making with their education. The fact that I am unable to offer them a Waldorf education outside of home saddens me. But, even more so, I am sad that they must go into the world and deal with so many of the same things I had to deal with... that I can't keep them safe all of the time.

My fears of how they will cope with peer pressure, potential social issues and decision-making as they go through school and life scares me. I've seen my amazing teenager work through it all... its hasn't been easy... she's excelled academically and her grades are phenomenal... she's made wonderful friends - and she has lost a friend which shattered us all to our core... she continues to navigate through this world and all that comes with it and it's hard. And all I can do is hope - pray - that she takes with her all that I've tried to teach... that she won't make the same mistakes that I did... that somehow she will be spared pain, heartache, difficult decisions and wrong turns.

But the truth is, I cannot protect her from all of those things. I cannot protect any of my children from life or the way our world is either. As a matter of fact, maybe my job must be to prepare them to be able to live in this world - hopefully change it - rather than protect them from it all.

This fear and desire to protect my children keeps me up at night. I toss and I turn and I analyze each choice I make and each potential path we can take to get us all out at the end...safely ...together. I stress out about the school they should attend... or if they should attend school at all. We've gone from public school to private and now likely back to public school and 'Waldorf Afterschooling' - all the while with me wondering what on earth is the best path to take.

This sickness of mine has consumed me.... if I was given only one thing that I could choose to do right during my time here on earth - I would choose to be a good mother - to give my girls all that they need to live a full, beautiful and long life. If I could spare them heartache, mistakes, pain and suffering - I would give anything. But, I can't. And it makes me sad... and afraid.

But, I want my daughters to see the beauty of life... the magic... the good. So, I must model the behavior myself. Because even if my children do not see my worry - I know they feel it.

So I have made myself a promise this week as school approaches. A promise to let go... to let God. Leaving fear behind us all. I am choosing to ride the waves with my girls... the ups, the downs and the in-betweens. We will turn back when we get it wrong and move forward when it feels right. And when we fall, I know we will all be there to help each other back up again.

And THAT is something to be very hopeful of.

xoxo
Eileen